Fourteen reasons why I’m not divorced after almost a decade on the road with the same guy.
A reader sent me this question: “You and Husband spend a lot of time together traveling. Do you ever fight? Get sick of each other? And if not, what’s your secret to success?”
This query seems more relevant now that we’re quarantining instead of traveling together. (The former is definitely tougher than the latter. When you’re in a foreign place, the novelty distracts and enchants you. You’re explorers sussing out new territory together, building memories of shared challenges and delights. That’s very different than the situation where a couple used to often passing like ships in the morning and night is now with each other all the time, in close quarters and under real stress.)
My wedding gift to Husband was a tandem bicycle. The bike’s designer told me, “wherever your relationship is going, it’ll get there faster on a tandem.” The same is true of travel: if you want to know your partner (and yourself) better, hit the road with each other for a few weeks. Husband and I have been traveling for all but three of our years together. As we spend more time on the road than off, that’s pretty much 24/7 in each other’s company for a good many months a year.
Still, every morning I wake up, I’m grateful Husband is there, and every night I go to sleep, I still adore him. I like to think hope my marriage is ordinary: two people who love and respect and like and admire each other through thick and thin (most days, anyway).
I’m sure it helps we were married to other people before, and appreciate getting it right this time. I’m also sure we’re aided by the wisdom that comes with age. (My self-absorbed twenties are long past.) On the other hand, being side-by-side around the clock means each of us is exposed to the other’s every emotion, bearing the brunt of the other’s lack of sleep, hunger, stress. That can be tough at times.
While I’m not sure we’ve discovered a “secret to success,” here are some bits of wisdom we’ve learned along the way that have helped on the road (and, now, in quarantine).
- Define a purpose for the trip.
In addition to the where, figure out the why of your trip. Is it to relax? Explore? Reconnect? Being on the same page in terms of expectations makes for fewer disagreements and disappointments.
- Create a budget.
Because our travel budget is essentially our living budget, too, this one may be easier for us. But fighting over money—whether at home or while traveling—can doom the best of relationships. I recommend setting a specific budget for flights, hotels, meals (overall total), activities, and shopping.
- Set limits on tech and social media usage.
It’s a good idea to discuss this before you depart to avoid arguments while on the road. No checking phones at dinner or while in a museum, for example, but yes over afternoon coffee. For those who can’t fully unplug due to work commitments, I suggest having a schedule, like only checking emails in the morning or while your partner is off exploring on his own.
- Don’t overschedule yourselves.
There can be a natural desire to want to do everything, especially if it’s your first time in a destination, but the combination of overextending yourselves, stimulation overload, and jet lag can create stress and conflict. I usually plan only one major activity a day; perhaps two. For less-frequent travelers, you may want to reserve a “day off” in the middle of your trip.
- Every day have some alone time.
This may sound counterintuitive to traveling with a partner, but even if you are mad for each other, that doesn’t mean you have to spend every moment together. If you both don’t do the same things at the same time while at home, travel shouldn’t be different. I write for several hours every morning while Husband does, well, whatever it is he does: shop at a local market, take photographs, have an espresso at a café. When we meet up right before lunch, we’re always glad to reconnect.
- Discuss challenges then and there.
No one wants to argue, especially while traveling, but it happens. When it does, handle disagreements in the moment. Otherwise the issue will loom bigger and bigger over the rest of your trip.
- Let the small stuff go.
I could have an opinion about every aspect of our lives. Husband could, too. But there aren’t enough hours in the day to iron out our differences on things that, in the end, aren’t that important. More importantly, time is too precious to waste on the trivial, or on lingering feelings of negativity after an argument about it. I’ve taught myself not to care about the inconsequential. It wasn’t easy—I’m someone who’s been called Ms. Bossypants and a perfectionist a time or three—but so very worthwhile.
- Have a way to end disagreements.
Ever get caught up in an argument only to have the little voice in the back of your head say, “You know you don’t want to be doing this”? Even though your brain is telling you to stop, your mouth can’t help but keep on spewing stuff. Husband and I have come up with a technique to stop arguments dead in their tracks: extend a pinky finger. If the other person hooks it with his/her pinky, that’s it: the argument is over. I mean, it’s done. No recriminations, no further discussion, no need for apologies, at least not in the near future. Sounds dorky, but it works. Come up with your own way to put on the brakes; even if you don’t have to use it often, you’ll be glad to have it..
- Keep the romance alive.
Good luck finding an article on sustaining or improving a marriage that doesn’t have the words “date night once a week” in it. Sure, it’s a good idea, and we do it, even when on the road. But we take it a step further. We make hand-holding, hugs, smooching, back rubs, foot massages (Yes, I’m spoiled; but have you seen the heels I love wearing?), etc., part of our daily routine. We don’t leave the hotel/Airbnb without a kiss goodbye (even though we’re departing together). When we return, Husband calls out, “Honey, I’m home,” when we cross the threshold; we then take a moment to make-out like teenagers. More dorkiness, I know, but effective at keeping the flame lit.
- Apportion tasks.
I’m totally in charge…of some things. For example, I do all the travel planning. Husband only knows the day we’re leaving and the day we’re returning. He doesn’t know where we’re going, how long we’re staying at a specific place, or what we’re doing every day. (I pack for him, so he doesn’t get any clues.) For the record, after eight years, he still loves all the surprises.
But once we’re on the trip, Husband is in charge of all things culinary, technical, and navigational. I choose the restaurants, but he decides what to buy and cook when we stay in. Computers and cameras are his bailiwick. He’s the map reader while I drive. (I’m lousy at reading maps and have a tendency to wait until we’re almost through an intersection before shouting “Turn!”) Division of labor reduces stress (it’s exhausting to be Queen of Everything) and makes it easier to avoid quibbles. By the way, the split doesn’t have to be 50-50; we focus instead on putting our individual strengths and character traits to their best use.
- Understand what’s behind the other’s behavior.
Husband knows better than I do when I am food-deprived or haven’t had enough sleep. Only after he suggests we stop for a bite at a café or to catch a half hour nap do I realize how hungry/tired I was. The lesson is, try to understand where the other’s grumpiness is coming from. The cause often differs from its expression. I may really be mad at him for washing my white shirt with his dark socks, or I may be testy because the day’s writing didn’t go well. By giving me the benefit of the doubt and taking a moment to think, Husband has averted many bouts of crabbiness from me.
- Be generous.
I’ll make Husband a cup of tea. He’ll suggest I book a manicure. I give him quiet time on the train to look through photos. He encourages me to try on a jacket that catches my eye in a store window. What it comes down to is, “do things without being asked” and “do things for the other person even though there’s nothing in it for you.” In short, be generous.
- Just say yes.
That tandem I gave Husband for a wedding present? It has our family motto painted on the top tube: Just Say Yes. On one of our early dates, I remarked to Husband how many times people say “no” to opportunities or invitations without really considering them. No is their default response to everything from “Do you want to go to the movies?” to “Hey, check out this Groupon for salsa lessons; want to give it a try?” to “Want to travel with me around the world without ever knowing where you’re going until you get there?” Enough no’s and the asker stops asking. Enough no’s and your world gradually becomes smaller and smaller. Stubbornness is not only a breeding ground for conflict, it also limits the possibility for new experiences. So during that early conversation Husband and I pledged to make our default response, yes. That’s how I came to learn to downhill ski and Husband learned to speak Spanish and we both learned to (enthusiastically but badly) fence.
- Golden Rule.
An oldie but a goodie. Treat the other person how you would like to be treated. Laugh at his/her jokes. Be nice to him/her…and kind…and understanding…and forgiving…and romantic. In a word, as my Irish dad would say, be grand to each other. The best jobs don’t feel like real work. I think the same applies to relationships. Yes, they require effort to survive and thrive, but it really shouldn’t feel like it.
So this is where I believe Husband and I are: Most days are good, but we’re not perfect. We disagree, we argue, we behave badly toward each other. We then either forgive and forget, or talk it out in an effort to learn to be better. Sometimes one of us falls short and the issue comes up again, which means starting over to try and hash things out. But we never quit on the relationship, and after a disagreement we always make up (even if with just a pinky grab) before we go to bed, ready for tomorrow to be a new day.
Twist’s Take: Living 24/7 with someone while traveling through foreign countries for weeks at a time can be a recipe for either divorce or a great marriage. These tips will help you make it the latter.
